Month: December 2015

10 Items from the Touch of Class Catalog that will Absolutely Murder You

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For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Touch of Class is a catalog and website dedicated to selling you fine home furnishings straight from the bowels of Hell. I used to be you, roaming my village and dell unaware that I had aged into qualifying for receiving catalogs of junk. There comes a time in every woman’s life when the world teams up to remind her that she’s on the wrong side of 25. Touch of Class and every novel that is a takeoff of Pride and Prejudice are the vehicle for this. So strap in, because of the circles of hell, Touch of Class spits out objects from the Fourth Circle. Home like no other, indeed.

As a result of this post, every ad on every website is Touch of Class now. So, you’re all bloody welcome.

1. The Legacy Collection’s Josephine Bedding

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Let’s jump in shall we? This visual stab in the face is part of the Josephine Collection. I did the math on this and to get every item in this fussy set is over $1500 dollars. For $5 you could afford the lighter fluid to destroy this but you would get black lung in the process. Which is how this bed set would kill you. It would press itself upon you and trap you in a fiery demise, the only trace of you being the fine ashes that spill out from under the comforter.

2. Bettina Glass Decorative Centerpiece Bowl

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So this exists. I’ll take THINGS THAT ARE CLEARLY VAGINAS FOR 1000, ALEX. “The Bettina Decorative Centerpiece Bowl is a regal addition to your tabletop display. Sophisticated accent has a honey-colored glass top that beautifully catches the light and a brown-finished, metal, pedestal-style base. A ribbed, scalloped edge trims the bowl top, while fluting decorates its exterior.” I think I’ve seen this exact description in an escort ad in Vegas. You can get this sapphic treasure on sale for $83.99, normally $140, but I’m going to imagine the shipping is $1000 because I still believe in God. This item will kill you by clamping its jaws upon you and suffocating you with the candy contained within it. I assume this is a candy dish. I’d probably use it for condoms or to hold my tears.

3. Gold Foil Elongated Toilet Seat

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“Contemporary and cool, the Gold Foil Elongated Toilet Seat will dazzle with its unique, metallic accents. ” No. No to all of this. This is a resin toilet seat cover with flecks of gold but YOU CAN STILL SEE THE INNARDS OF THE TOILET. THIS DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF A TOILET SEAT COVER. Unless this is a toilet that you are using as a fish bowl, this will add nothing to your bathroom. Also? This toilet seat is $82.99 ON SALE. $125 normally! This is the most “let them eat cake” bullshit I have ever seen. I would rant about this more but I need to help some peasants storm some fucking castles. This toilet seat will kill you by not stopping a bullet aimed at your chest during the revolution.

4. Masks of Africa Wall Art Set

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“The handcarved Masks of Africa Wall Art Set will give your decor an exotic flair” and really jazz up your dirty wall for the low low price of $74.99, (normally $120). So let’s unpack that very loaded language, shall we? “Exotic” is a term used to describe things we don’t respect, especially in regards to race — see also “exotic dancer” and this entire article about coded language. The majesty that the marketing team is employing here to sell this shit that was mass produced in Indonesia through slave labor is an example of upper middle class white people defining what is culturally significant to our very whitecentric country. To the upper middle class white people that this catalog is targeted to, I send through the ether a dismissive jerk off motion. These masks will absolutely kill you. Hang them on your wall at your own peril. For the slaves employed to make these “exotic” pieces of pandering garbage have put a curse on them and you will grow so much nose hair you suffocate in your sleep.

PS. This is part of a SERIES of “tribal” art. Shame on everyone.

5. Cherubs and Blooms Wall Plaque Set

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We were all thinking it. Just how long until cherubs showed up? They were tucked into a corner on page 25 of this catalog urging you to “Enlighten your room with the heavenly presence of the Cherubs and Blooms Wall Plaque Set” which is the laziest writing I have ever seen. It’s like they were trying to not be too religious with it. For $52.99 (on sale from $82, I’m starting to think they aren’t really on sale and they just list more money to dupe you into thinking you’re getting a bargain), these dead eyed children can dance on your beige wall and sing to you ominous horror movie music. Seriously, these things look like every single terrifying child from the horror genre. I’m pretty sure the one on the far right is Damien from the Omen. These cherubs are not to be trusted and much like the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who will sneak up on you when you look away. Don’t blink. They will eat your soul and turn you into one of them.

6. Julietta Pearl Oval Wall Mirror

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“The Julietta Pearl Oval Wall Mirror brings stylish sophistication to the room in which it is displayed,” Deco is basically never out of vogue these days with the idealization of flapper attire and gross misunderstanding of the Jazz Age via the Great Gatsby Baz Luhrmann film. This is obviously super hideous but in a plot twist, the pearls are teeth! The catalog helpfully informs me that you can also hang it horizontally, really committing to the “mouth that will swallow you whole” effect. Normally $160 (see what I mean about this all being a scam?), this mirror is on sale for a paltry $109. This mirror is Charybdis from the Odyssey and will kill you by forcing you to pass too close to it and destroy your ship.

7. Two Graceful Doves

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“Two Graceful Doves stare lovingly into each other’s eyes while they coo upon a tree branch in this sweet table sculpture.” I don’t know about you but I woke up this morning, looked around my apartment and loudly sighed for I had no fat white birds taking up valuable real estate on my coffee table. But now my problems are solved for a mere $45.99 ($65 regular price. See also the ocean view bridge in Arizona Touch of Class is selling you). I love that they are described as “graceful” and they appear to just be squatting on a branch having a staring contest. The description goes on to highlight in a bullet point that this “sculpture” is “filled with beautiful true-life colors.” They want a cookie for using paint colors that are commonly found in nature. That’s like advertising your peanut butter as “gluten free.” These birds will kill you by pecking you to death and then do a victory lap around your house wearing your scalp.

8. Leopard Eyes

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Can someone explain to me how Touch of Class managed to take an adorable fluffy animal and made it a creeper? WHO ASKED FOR THIS? I WANT NAMES. “Deep mysteries hide behind the piercing Leopard Eyes of this canvas wall art. You may feel these eyes following you around the room, looking for a kindred spirit with a taste for boldness and adventure” I’m pretty sure this line was taken from the Game which should be included in the $119 asking price, (normally ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS! See, Touch of Class? I can do this too!). Like a leopard Dr. Eckleberg, this will look down upon you, watching, reproachful, but unable to help you as you choke to termination on your own hubris.

9. The Elements Collection’s Alliance Bedding (How is Alliance an Element, Exactly?)

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I think we can all agree that this catalog is pretty femme. Terrifying femme but still femme. In the worst case of WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ, Touch of Class has developed this for the butch in your life. Touch of Class has no stake in the gender war because money spends and not to play into stereotypes here but all the men in my life should check in with me before buying ANYTHING from this catalog. This is faux suede (for the rich vegans out there who are looking to throw $1688.22 on this bad boy) and will loudly declare to the femme you’ve brought home that you are VERY MASCULINE. Butchness to the point of being a stereotype. If insecurity could be turned into a comforter, it would be this. This bed set will kill you by not playing catch with you, not taking you fishing, and then causing you to die of colon cancer at 65 because real men don’t go to doctors.

10. Geisha Melodies Celestial Blue Table Sculpture

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Oh look! Another edition of White People are a Scourge. This is one of over 10 (I stopped counting at 10 because counting is hard and trying to read the computer through an aneurysm is really difficult) “sculptures” dedicated to geishas and Japanese culture on this site. I could go into the long awful history of “yellow fever” and our romanticized abuse and exploitation of Asian women while lauding the geisha concept but instead I’m going to just link away to some great articles. See here here here here here here. “The Geisha Melodies Celestial Blue Table Sculpture captures the delicate skill of these traditional entertainers,” boy oh boy you can tell some copywriter threw their back out writing that line. Touch of Class is like Skymall but more offensive. For $65.99, you can have this thing take up a lot of space on some surface in your home. This geisha will kill you and frankly we’re all rooting for her. She will use her tiny pipe and play you a beautiful song that lures you into a false sense of white saviorhood and then when you’re busy discussing how much you appreciate “oriental” women she will look you in the eye, her gaze gentle and sweet, and stab you. She will have no parting words for you. She won’t waste her breath.

 

 

 

 

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Who I Became After We Broke Up

There seems to be a certain level of inevitability in running into ex lovers. Maybe you cross paths on a subway platform, maybe social media brings you together, maybe you want to try to make a go of being friends; you end up having that awkward realization that you know an incredible amount about them but they feel like a stranger. If only there was a simple and brief way to fill them in on who you are now and give them the highlight reel without having to put up with all that small talk. FEAR NOT! I have assembled a handy dandy cheat sheet for you to fill out and hand off to your former partners so that they know everything important.

Who I Became After We Broke Up

Current Name:

Current Gender:

Current Relationship Status:

Current Location:

Current Sobriety Status:

Significant Weight Loss or Gain (Y/N):

Sexual Orientation:

Political Orientation:

Three Current Hobbies:

Current Employment:

Over You (Y/N):

Really Over You (Y/N):

Are You Totally Sure (Y/N):

Do You Still Have Some of Their Things (Y/N):

Three Ways In Which I Have Improved Since We Broke Up:

Things You Know About Me That Are No Longer True:

Are You Willing to Get Back Together (Y/N):

 

 

A Douchebag’s Guide for Winning Me Back

Originally published on Medium.

Hello, ___________________(Last Name, First Name, Middle Initial),

Well, well, well, look who it is. Long time no see, ___________________ (Last Name). How have I been? I’ve been awesome; I already know how you’re doing. You’re doing lousy because you’re scrolling through my Facebook feed checking to see how I’m doing. You feel terrible, I look great, and I’m still really funny so you’re beginning to question your reason for (circle one) breaking up with me/driving me to break up with you/disappearing into the ether like a fart. You’re different now and you want to meet up and buy me a (circle one) drink/car/island in order to put the past behind us. Maybe we’re meant for each other; you never know, right? People grow and timing is important. ___________________ (Last Name), you’re in luck. I’ve prepared this handy customizable guidebook to winning my heart so listen up, dork, because I’m busy and don’t have time for you to wander off the trail.

Let’s admit it. You ruined this because of (circle one) fear/shame/insecurity/age/timing/addiction, and now you want to make it right. You want another shot, because now you don’t have as much (circle one) fear/shame/insecurity/stupidity/demands on your time/substances in your system, and you realized that I’m pretty wonderful and you want to see what we could have together. Who could blame you? As your tour guide in the jungles of my scorned heart, I have created a handy list of tasks that you must perform in order to win back my attention and affection. You might think that, like a romantic comedy, you have to prove that you are better than some other arbitrary suitor in order to win my heart; you’re incorrect. You have something much greater to overcome — the voice of my better judgement telling me to light you on fire and run like hell.

1) Figure Out How You Really Feel About Me

No. Really. Plop your stupid ass down and think about it. Is the affection and missing you’re feeling because you just got dumped? Did you see my new Facebook picture and have your heart skip a beat? Are you really ready/improved enough to be someone who matters and is important to me? You have a lot ahead of you and I don’t have time for lip service. If you think you can fall in love with me and be an active member of my life, you may proceed to number 2. If you’re quibbling, either throw this away or close the tab. You have given up on page 1 of the Choose Your Own Adventure and no one likes that kid anyhow. I don’t have time for you to be unsure if you want me. It’s a zero sum game.

2) Invest in Knee Pads

How do you feel about begging? Oh, does it make you feel emasculated? Broaden your definition of masculinity then and start groveling. Does this hurt your pride? Good. It’s supposed to. Before you start pulling your “poor pitiful me” card and claiming I’m a misandrist, let me clarify that I actually don’t want you to become a withered shell of your former self like this is a bloody George Jones song. Frankly, that does me little good. But if you’re out there and praying and hoping I’ll reach out, forget it. I have pride too and you don’t get to think that your pride is somehow more important than mine. I probably cried when we (circle one) broke up/stopped being friends/I caught you on 4chan, and you probably coldly (circle one) shut down/said nothing and (circle one) walked away/blamed me for everything, so it’s your turn. The person who fails has to be the one who swallows their pride. (In the event that I failed, this is null and void but it only happened once). Start with “May I buy you lunch? I’d really like to see you” and expect a bile laden response that is not a rejection but will be less than enthused. Winning me back is like taming a lion, you’re never going to tame me all the way but I’m just fluffy enough to make it possibly worth it. Imagine getting to tell your friends you cuddled a lion! Are you kidding? Worth the risk of a mauled arm.

3) Get Over Yourself

I realize that for most of your life you’ve had the privilege of being insecure and fearful. You’ve been allowed to let these things rule your life. No longer. I’m sure it’s been really fun not dealing with anything and hoping that the world can read you fucking mind and love will wander into your apartment without you having to stick your neck out. But newsflash, I haven’t wandered into your apartment yet, so that Burmese tiger trap you’ve built there to get me to stay is not going to work. Every day I don’t wander into that apartment isn’t me rejecting you, it’s me trying to live my damn life in the wake of your disappointment. If you want me, tell me. Come and get me. You know where I am. I already tried everything I could think of, now it’s up to you to show me that you can be someone who I can depend on. And that means you’re going to be taking some shit for a while. So open your mouth and eat it.

4) Clean Your Fucking Apartment

Seriously? I need to tell you to change your sheets? Showing me that you’re at least good at faking adulthood is a decent start. Clean apartment, more than single ply toilet paper, and run a vacuum, dammit. Learn a recipe or some shit. If you put work into making your life better, then I can believe you will put work into making a situation with me better. Wallowing in your own filth feeling blue about why we didn’t work out is not going to get into my heart or into my pants. Speaking of pants, how about you learn a couple new sex tricks just to dazzle me a bit?

5) Be Patient

I’m sure you’re at the point where you’re calculating the amount of work that you would need to put into this to make a relationship with me happen. To overcome our baggage and all the names we called each other and to rebuild trust you must do all of these things and then deal with me not believing in you — for a while. It’s not permanent. My apathy isn’t eternal. I will say things that are mean but accurate. My distrust and performed aloofness will be constant for about three months. That’s your sentence. You must deal with me keeping you at arm’s length for three months, and then I will soften. I might even like you again. Maybe. Look, it’s hard okay? Relationships are hard and frankly I want to give you a second chance. I don’t want to hate you forever. But I have to test you because I need to know my investment in you, which will be unwavering, is a good move. I loved you once, right? I already invested in you. Show me that you can actually provide some emotional returns.

6) Now Get Off Your Ass

Staring at your shoes and listening to Coldplay is how you lost me in the first place. Pick up the damn phone before I’m the one that got away.

Reasons I Unmatched You on Tinder

Originally posted on Medium.

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Swiped right while drinking

Changed content of your profile to include “likes electronic dance music”

Beard

Swiped right because of dog

Thought you were your friend and thought it bad form to message you to ask if you could introduce us

Mentioned Christian Grey without a barfing emoji to follow

White person in a headdress

Hates feminists

Ranked New Jersey over California

Blank profile box

Haven’t messaged me in 6 months and 430 matches later finally clearing you out

Don’t trust anyone with only two pictures

5346 miles away

Quotes Casablanca and none of the good quotes

Swiped right when I thought they were 29 but bio says actually 18

Too into pot

Has kid

Only swiped right to tell you how wrong you are about everything

Already dated a 23 year old this year THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Keeps liking my moments but doesn’t bother to talk to me

Messaged you and you never replied

Messaged you with a great pick up line and you never replied

Messaged me and I never replied

Gave you my number and want to unmatch before you see it and actually make me go through with this

White person with dreadlocks

15 miles away. Like where do you live? San Leandro? Daly City? Forget it

Called it San Franscisky

Only wears polo shirts

Too many guys in your pictures and have no idea who you are

DO YOU HAVE A BEARD OR DON’T YOU?!

Sports AND Star Wars? No, you have to pick one, jerk

Tried to bully me into sending you boob pictures

“Sapiosexual”

“Only in town for two days”

“Check out my blog”

“Here to promote my artwork”

Beer advertisement that I swiped right on because I got confused

Don’t really believe you founded a start up

Looks like someone who would make me go outside a lot and I really don’t think I like adventures that much

Don’t understand why you’re on tinder to make friends but good luck with that

“Cunning Linguist” don’t steal my jokes, pal

Ron Swanson quotes

“Aspiring Anthony Bourdain”

Profile too long and got bored

Dick joke that wasn’t even funny

Mentions sarcasm but unless you can give me Bogie and Bacall-esque banter I really don’t want to deal with it

Dated you and never want to hear from you again

No reason