For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Touch of Class is a catalog and website dedicated to selling you fine home furnishings straight from the bowels of Hell. I used to be you, roaming my village and dell unaware that I had aged into qualifying for receiving catalogs of junk. There comes a time in every woman’s life when the world teams up to remind her that she’s on the wrong side of 25. Touch of Class and every novel that is a takeoff of Pride and Prejudice are the vehicle for this. So strap in, because of the circles of hell, Touch of Class spits out objects from the Fourth Circle. Home like no other, indeed.

As a result of this post, every ad on every website is Touch of Class now. So, you’re all bloody welcome.

1. The Legacy Collection’s Josephine Bedding

Let’s jump in shall we? This visual stab in the face is part of the Josephine Collection. I did the math on this and to get every item in this fussy set is over $1500 dollars. For $5 you could afford the lighter fluid to destroy this but you would get black lung in the process. Which is how this bed set would kill you. It would press itself upon you and trap you in a fiery demise, the only trace of you being the fine ashes that spill out from under the comforter.

2. Bettina Glass Decorative Centerpiece Bowl

So this exists. I’ll take THINGS THAT ARE CLEARLY VAGINAS FOR 1000, ALEX. “The Bettina Decorative Centerpiece Bowl is a regal addition to your tabletop display. Sophisticated accent has a honey-colored glass top that beautifully catches the light and a brown-finished, metal, pedestal-style base. A ribbed, scalloped edge trims the bowl top, while fluting decorates its exterior.” I think I’ve seen this exact description in an escort ad in Vegas. You can get this sapphic treasure on sale for $83.99, normally $140, but I’m going to imagine the shipping is $1000 because I still believe in God. This item will kill you by clamping its jaws upon you and suffocating you with the candy contained within it. I assume this is a candy dish. I’d probably use it for condoms or to hold my tears.

3. Gold Foil Elongated Toilet Seat

“Contemporary and cool, the Gold Foil Elongated Toilet Seat will dazzle with its unique, metallic accents. ” No. No to all of this. This is a resin toilet seat cover with flecks of gold but YOU CAN STILL SEE THE INNARDS OF THE TOILET. THIS DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF A TOILET SEAT COVER. Unless this is a toilet that you are using as a fish bowl, this will add nothing to your bathroom. Also? This toilet seat is $82.99 ON SALE. $125 normally! This is the most “let them eat cake” bullshit I have ever seen. I would rant about this more but I need to help some peasants storm some fucking castles. This toilet seat will kill you by not stopping a bullet aimed at your chest during the revolution.

4. Masks of Africa Wall Art Set

“The handcarved Masks of Africa Wall Art Set will give your decor an exotic flair” and really jazz up your dirty wall for the low low price of $74.99, (normally $120). So let’s unpack that very loaded language, shall we? “Exotic” is a term used to describe things we don’t respect, especially in regards to race — see also “exotic dancer” and this entire article about coded language. The majesty that the marketing team is employing here to sell this shit that was mass produced in Indonesia through slave labor is an example of upper middle class white people defining what is culturally significant to our very whitecentric country. To the upper middle class white people that this catalog is targeted to, I send through the ether a dismissive jerk off motion. These masks will absolutely kill you. Hang them on your wall at your own peril. For the slaves employed to make these “exotic” pieces of pandering garbage have put a curse on them and you will grow so much nose hair you suffocate in your sleep.

PS. This is part of a SERIES of “tribal” art. Shame on everyone.

5. Cherubs and Blooms Wall Plaque Set

We were all thinking it. Just how long until cherubs showed up? They were tucked into a corner on page 25 of this catalog urging you to “Enlighten your room with the heavenly presence of the Cherubs and Blooms Wall Plaque Set” which is the laziest writing I have ever seen. It’s like they were trying to not be too religious with it. For $52.99 (on sale from $82, I’m starting to think they aren’t really on sale and they just list more money to dupe you into thinking you’re getting a bargain), these dead eyed children can dance on your beige wall and sing to you ominous horror movie music. Seriously, these things look like every single terrifying child from the horror genre. I’m pretty sure the one on the far right is Damien from the Omen. These cherubs are not to be trusted and much like the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who will sneak up on you when you look away. Don’t blink. They will eat your soul and turn you into one of them.

6. Julietta Pearl Oval Wall Mirror

“The Julietta Pearl Oval Wall Mirror brings stylish sophistication to the room in which it is displayed,” Deco is basically never out of vogue these days with the idealization of flapper attire and gross misunderstanding of the Jazz Age via the Great Gatsby Baz Luhrmann film. This is obviously super hideous but in a plot twist, the pearls are teeth! The catalog helpfully informs me that you can also hang it horizontally, really committing to the “mouth that will swallow you whole” effect. Normally $160 (see what I mean about this all being a scam?), this mirror is on sale for a paltry $109. This mirror is Charybdis from the Odyssey and will kill you by forcing you to pass too close to it and destroy your ship.

7. Two Graceful Doves

“Two Graceful Doves stare lovingly into each other’s eyes while they coo upon a tree branch in this sweet table sculpture.” I don’t know about you but I woke up this morning, looked around my apartment and loudly sighed for I had no fat white birds taking up valuable real estate on my coffee table. But now my problems are solved for a mere $45.99 ($65 regular price. See also the ocean view bridge in Arizona Touch of Class is selling you). I love that they are described as “graceful” and they appear to just be squatting on a branch having a staring contest. The description goes on to highlight in a bullet point that this “sculpture” is “filled with beautiful true-life colors.” They want a cookie for using paint colors that are commonly found in nature. That’s like advertising your peanut butter as “gluten free.” These birds will kill you by pecking you to death and then do a victory lap around your house wearing your scalp.

8. Leopard Eyes

Can someone explain to me how Touch of Class managed to take an adorable fluffy animal and made it a creeper? WHO ASKED FOR THIS? I WANT NAMES. “Deep mysteries hide behind the piercing Leopard Eyes of this canvas wall art. You may feel these eyes following you around the room, looking for a kindred spirit with a taste for boldness and adventure” I’m pretty sure this line was taken from the Game which should be included in the $119 asking price, (normally ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS! See, Touch of Class? I can do this too!). Like a leopard Dr. Eckleberg, this will look down upon you, watching, reproachful, but unable to help you as you choke to termination on your own hubris.

9. The Elements Collection’s Alliance Bedding (How is Alliance an Element, Exactly?)

I think we can all agree that this catalog is pretty femme. Terrifying femme but still femme. In the worst case of WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ, Touch of Class has developed this for the butch in your life. Touch of Class has no stake in the gender war because money spends and not to play into stereotypes here but all the men in my life should check in with me before buying ANYTHING from this catalog. This is faux suede (for the rich vegans out there who are looking to throw $1688.22 on this bad boy) and will loudly declare to the femme you’ve brought home that you are VERY MASCULINE. Butchness to the point of being a stereotype. If insecurity could be turned into a comforter, it would be this. This bed set will kill you by not playing catch with you, not taking you fishing, and then causing you to die of colon cancer at 65 because real men don’t go to doctors.

10. Geisha Melodies Celestial Blue Table Sculpture

Oh look! Another edition of White People are a Scourge. This is one of over 10 (I stopped counting at 10 because counting is hard and trying to read the computer through an aneurysm is really difficult) “sculptures” dedicated to geishas and Japanese culture on this site. I could go into the long awful history of “yellow fever” and our romanticized abuse and exploitation of Asian women while lauding the geisha concept but instead I’m going to just link away to some great articles. See here here here here here here. “The Geisha Melodies Celestial Blue Table Sculpture captures the delicate skill of these traditional entertainers,” boy oh boy you can tell some copywriter threw their back out writing that line. Touch of Class is like Skymall but more offensive. For $65.99, you can have this thing take up a lot of space on some surface in your home. This geisha will kill you and frankly we’re all rooting for her. She will use her tiny pipe and play you a beautiful song that lures you into a false sense of white saviorhood and then when you’re busy discussing how much you appreciate “oriental” women she will look you in the eye, her gaze gentle and sweet, and stab you. She will have no parting words for you. She won’t waste her breath.