Month: October 2016

Love Letters to the Boyfriends I Made Up to Get Men to Stop Hitting on Me

Originally published on Medium. 


Dear Batman,

I don’t know where this relationship is heading but you’re always there when I need you and that’s the most important thing. I like to think we’ll always be special to each other even if I don’t need you to keep weird Dylan away from me in the lunch line anymore. Of course, now he constantly asks about you so if you run into him bring up how much fun you had when we went to the park and you pushed me on the swings.


Dear Taylor Hanson,

Good morning, sweetie! Don’t forget to pick up your brothers for band practice. I’ll be home later after I get out of 8th period. How about we go roller skating later and then map out my complex feelings about my desire to have sex but need the construct of marriage to feel more comfortable about it?Maybe we could just lie around and talk about that for a bit? I showed your picture to the guys who block me when I try to get to my bus. They had no idea you were a famous boy band guy and a couple think they know you from Stowe High School. One of them mentioned there was no way you would be interested in me but he still fucked off so I think he got that I would rather have a made up boyfriend than have to navigate him yelling at me to show him my boobs.


Dear Jason,

I know we’re going through a rough patch right now with this being long distance but I just want you to know I’m committed to you and I’m all in with this relationship. I know I got really teary on that phone call outside that bar and you couldn’t hear me very well which is why I repeated over and over, “I love you and I don’t care that you’re incredibly JEALOUS and also are an MMA FIGHTER, we can work this out.” Thank you for staying on the phone with me while I loudly talked to you as I walked down that dark street until those guys finally stopped following me. You’re my prince charming.


Dear Picture of My Cousin I Used One Time,

Sorry, Jeff. It worked though! Say hi to your fiance for me.


Dear Jesus,

I still cannot believe this worked but that guy was super drunk and when I showed him that painting of you he scoffed and declared he couldn’t be intowomen who were into Burners. I put a $20 in the local collection plate so I like to think we’re even.


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