As of today, it’s Pissbaby’s world and we’re all living in it. Considering the reality of a fascist uprising, the people must be prepared. If you’ve never had to prep for a revolution before, and have no idea what weapon is right for you, I’ve assembled a handy guide based on your astrological sun sign. Stay safe, punks, it’s gonna be a long resistance.
Aries, you are a lot of things, passionate, fiery, confident, but you aren’t much for planning ahead. You aren’t really the packing type. You’re an optimist who doesn’t presume the night will end in fighting Nazis, but you’re smart enough to figure out how to get out of it if the situation arises. You’re scrappy. You’re a bit messy. You’d in it for the adrenaline. Tip: if you don’t drink alcohol, borrow a bottle from a friend or try some of that really nice root beer.
Taurus, you’re practical. You like a multipurpose weapon that doesn’t stand out too much. Are you leading the resistance? Are you coaching a little league team? Fascists won’t know until it’s too late. And then you can actually go coach that little league team! You’re also a bit of a showman, and you like to entertain, so this weapon covers you on both fronts. (In certain states, if you have a baseball bat and no other baseball equipment, you can be charged with concealed carry. So make sure you figure out what’s legal in your state and cover your bases, so to speak. You’re a bit of a stickler for rules).
Fey, fickle Gemini. Your changeable nature makes you exciting, fun, sweet, bitter, hostile — you contain multitudes. You need a versatile weapon that sends a message but can be stealthy and is always unexpected. You are all about the “what the fuck is that?!” Throwing stars come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and, if you’re crafty, can be made at home out of pieces of scrap you have lying around.
Self Care Animal Training to Kill.
Sweet, maternal, nurturing Cancer. Your tendency towards worry, anxiety, depression, and other conditions mean that you should have the support of a Self Care Animal. Notice one of the words Cancer isn’t is “foolish.” You’re too smart of have a self care animal that can’t employ a deadly chokehold or trip a Alt-Reicher down a flight of stairs to their untimely demise. Yes, your self care animal knows how to cover its tracks AND will help you navigate the horrific, anxiety inducing stress of public transit. You and Fluffy are unstoppable.
Handgun, preferably gold.
Oh, Leo, this one was tricky. It was down to this or a flamethrower but that would probably be over the top even for you. You stand out like a lion. You take charge like a lion. You cut to the chase like a lion. You have nice hair like a lion. You are a gold handgun. You stand out. You want the Bannonites to see you coming and remember your name. You want them to fear you. And you want something pretty that when the sunshine hits it, will blind your foes. In a pinch, pistol whipping is very effective and will leave marks that can be your calling card.
Syringe full of poison.
Clean, calculating, meticulous Virgo. The sign of the healer…or are you? Who better to know the best means to bring someone to their knees than innocuous Virgo? You know it doesn’t take much. Why overexert yourself in some showy stance of power, when you can just take them down and wear your latex gloves the whole time? You’ll treat the injuries of the uprising while secretly taking out Nazis. Your meticulous nature, and ability to find out secret information, makes you a calculating benefit to movements fighting for their lives.
To quote Missy Elliott, “I’m a lover, not a fighter, but I’ll crack your teeth.” Indeed, Missy, indeed. Libra, be Missy Elliott. You are a lover, you seek justice and are confident in the pursuit. While day to day decisions can be a challenge for you, you know that you must dedicate yourself to battling the oppressor. You aren’t one to be timid when what’s right is on the line. Needless to say, you’re all about that chain whip. You get good distance, have the element of surprise, and the double whammy of smacking and stabbing. If you’re gonna throw yourself into it, you’re going big. As an air sign with no fauna representation, you’re more calculating. You will beat back White Supremacy with the power of might and righteousness.
Scorpios are known for their capacity to seduce any enemy into a position of weakness, but even you have standards. Fucking a Nazi on purpose is the sort of chore I wouldn’t wish on anyone, least of all you. You’re simple and old school. You aren’t about big confrontations. You don’t need a big show. You don’t need them to know that you’re right — you know you’re right and that’s enough. You’ll pass them on the street, stick em, and keep walking before anyone knows you’re there.
I know this is a little on the nose, Sagittarius, but let’s face it — your whole sign is about BEING on the nose. You go against the grain and have all the finesse of a arrowhead through the throat. When everyone else is street fighting, you’re in the trees or poking out of windows, raining down upon bigots like a storm. You’re a Wild West Assassin and when they go low, you go high. Who says you can’t fight from the high ground?
You’re rather dignified, Capricorn, to the untrained observer. You’re classy, traditional, and determined. You’re the one people can’t quite figure out so they call you “paternal” or “boring” and then move on. You don’t mind that so much. It gets people to stop poking into your business. You’re the type who can assimilate into enemy ranks, convince them you’re one of them, without ever being swayed by their bullshit. You’ve got gentility, Capricorn. You hide in it, waiting for people to jump you in an ally and then STAB THEM WITH AN UMBRELLA SWORD, MOTHERFUCKER. OH, YOU THOUGHT THEY DIDN’T MAKE THEM ANYMORE, EH? TELL THAT TO THE STEEL OF MY BLADE, FIEND! You’ll take them down, staring into the whites of their eyes, without so much as getting a hair out of place.
Bag full of books.
The Social Justice Warrior of the crew, you can’t actually beat them to death with knowledge, Aquarius, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to try. You’ll be on your way to the library and attack using the gift of knowledge. You’ll throw copies of Handmaid’s Tale at their knees to knock them off balance, smash their heads between two copies of Howard Zinn, and use the bag to smother them while reciting passages from James Baldwin. It’s a strange way to go about it, but you like that, and it’s a struggle to carry around all of that information, but that’s your cross. Aquarius, you are the humanitarian. You want to change the world. You want to teach the world to sing — chants of victory over the putrid corpse of oppression.
Pisces, you’re all about intimacy. You’re emotional, vulnerable, and radical. You specialize in weaponizing your trauma, hurt, and bleeding heart. People would guess that means being violent is difficult for you. Not so, fish. You’re up close and personal. You want to be close to your enemy as your fight them. You want to see them as you punch them, over and over, with metal strapped to your knuckles. Why so gruesome? Because you know the cost is so high. You know how much this counts. Also, fish like shiny objects.