Thank you so much for reaching out about the Major Gifts Officer role at the San Francisco Ballet. As you firmly insisted, the ballet has made great strides to be more creative and to draw in an energetic and youthful donorship. However, as you pointed out, I’m probably under qualified for the position. I’ve been mulling your request for a letter detailing why you should consider me for this position and I arrived at the conclusion you shouldn’t. It’s true that I have a lot of experience in the non-profit sector, that I love the arts and care for them dearly, and tend to thrive from new and exciting challenges, but to be perfectly frank you were a shit to me and I don’t really feel up to selling myself to someone who cold called me at my job who then spent our phone call mocking my resume.
This is the portion of a cover letter where a person generally expands on what they have brought up in the first paragraph. You see, the beginning serves as a professional thesis, which to review was that you’re a fucking bossy jerk, and to give examples fortifying that claim. This is an important section as it gives the reader a picture of what someone can bring to a company. Since that’s not really applicable in this case allow me to describe some areas of improvement. Despite your cold call in which you spoke to me rather briskly, I acquiesced and allowed you to send me the write up of this position; I sent you my personal email and encouraged you to email me there. Three times. Here’s how many times you emailed me at my personal email. Zero times. You didn’t even email me at my personal email when I emailed you back about the position FROM that email account. That’s pretty impressive, Patrick. That’s more than just a struggle at reading comprehension, something you seem to really suck at judging by our actual conversation, but it also denotes a lack of regard for the sensitive state prospective candidates are often in when employed. You see, professional email shouldn’t be used for personal uses because your employers often read emails, thus seeing you’ve been soliciting other work offers on company time. On your best day, that’s a reprimand, on your worst it’s a write up and an accusation of time theft. It’s inappropriate, especially when the person you’re trying to encourage to apply for a job sends you her personal email address in the body of an email twice and an email FROM that account once. And I know you read that email because it had my cell phone in the signature where you called me on that same day. That moves from lack of regard to dickishness. So try to work on that for next time. Let’s move on to the phone conversation we had that lasted seven minutes. It was very clear that you did not research me as a candidate before you spammed my place of employment. It was also clear that you did not read the resume I sent you BEFORE we had a phone conversation. Upon inquiring about my experience, in which you asked if I was a coordinator and I replied I was an associate, (which is actually higher than a coordinator but whatever), you laughed at my title, said I needed to get a better one, and then helpfully added “Best Buy has associates.” Your classist negging aside, you then tried to move the power position from you trying to pitch this job to me to making it seem more desirable by having me to prove why I should have it. In short, no. I am kindly refusing. Largely because I don’t trust an organization that would look at your inability to interact with humans and your refusal research candidates, and therefore not do your job, and move forward with your help in recruiting people for their organization. You mentioned you just placed the new Development Director at the ballet and I have no desire to work with anyone who managed to pass your asshole bar of acceptability. No, I don’t think I could collaborate very well with someone you signed off on. In addition, you interrupted me. A lot. Persistence is great and all but when you’re barking orders and mocking the candidate you have on the phone, you move from industrious to moronic. It’s like you didn’t even want me to try to go for this job, bro. I’m sure you’re in a bind because hiring me would have been cheap for a Major Gifts Officer but it would have eaten into your cut. Next time, read my resume and then just lose my number.
Now here is the part where I recap everything I’ve discussed in the previous paragraphs. Here goes. You’re a dick and while this job might have been really cool and I would have pushed myself to be a good employee for this organization, you just lost out on a passionate, creative, and personable candidate. In fairness, you wouldn’t understand the value of that as you couldn’t figure out respect or sensitivity if you tried. In short, this role does not excite me and I hope to not hear from you soon!