Are you suffering from second head growth? Has your skin started slowly converting into scales? Do you fall asleep when you’re tired? You have to try this miracle technique called analingus! This ancient art of licking someone’s anus will help prevent knuckle cancer, cleanse you of small aliens occupying your colon, and will give you the power of flight.
I know what you’re thinking: BUT TOXINS COME OUT OF THERE! Well suck it up. Literally. This is gonna blow your mind. Analingus was not discovered on a mountain top by peruvian monks (according to genetically modified western historical records, anyway) but noted scientist Neil Degrasse Tyson says that it’s very likely that dinosaurs did. You ever seen a dinosaur exhibit in the museum? One word: fitspo.
There are only 5 SIMPLE steps and you’ll start to experience the incredible benefits of the art of analingus — wash your butt, brush your teeth, be careful with your fangs, hydrate, enjoy yourself.
1.Wash Your Butt
You needn’t bust out the enema machine for something like getting your anus licked unless you’re really into the health benefits of high colonics which include having a skinnier brain, and shaving all that extra fat off your eyeballs. But it is good manners to wash your butt before someone’s tongue dances across your orifices. You’d brush your teeth before a kiss, right? Right, Michael? RIGHT? JUST BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL YOUR MOTHER CONCEIVED YOU IN HAD A HORSE OUTSIDE OF IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN CRY “I WAS BORN IN A BARN” WHENEVER SOMEONE POINTS OUT HOW GROSS YOU ARE. MAYBE IT WAS LIKE A FANCY CIRCUS HORSE THERE TO VISIT AN ACROBAT THAT BROKE ALL THEIR FIBULAS!
Try to get your butt as close to minty fresh breath as possible. That means busting out your organic chia seed kale soap, Burners.
2. Brush Your Teeth
Swirl your mouth with a lavender and lemongrass mouthwash. Swirl it gently like a baby javelina giving a holistic mouth bath to its very tiny baby.. Now spit it out like a mama bird feeding its screaming terror of a bird child.
Always be conscious of your mouth. If this didn’t dawn on you before, it’s clearly because you have never had someone who has had habanero salsa lick your rosebud before. Capsaicin and other spices are an excellent way to light up your date right into a hemorrhoid donut.
Be kind to your partner. Brush your teeth so that a clean mouth and a clean ass may unite into hours of pleasure instead of an engorged anus and lots of cursing.
3. Be Careful With Your Fangs
So you’ve washed your mouth and ass and have gotten to actual tongue on starfish contact. You’ve given a few licks,they’ve unclenched enough to start to really enjoy themselves. You’ll be able to tell they are actually enjoying themselves when the giggling turns to moaning. The giggling is good if you’re into the tickling workout but that should only be attempted if your gluten allergy is in retrograde. Now you’re starting to feel adventurous and confident, experimenting with strokes and flicks to get the most reaction.
Mind your hubris, Icarus: biting the asshole is like soaring too close to a sun that has every right to kick you in the face and never speak to you again. Ask anyone who has had oral sex before: teeth is a funny business. You don’t just go around throwing your molars at sex partners. Not everyone is into being masticated like a free range soy cougar filet.
If you’re going to incorporate biting into your anal play, try by nibbling the cheeks of the ass instead of right on the o-ring itself. It will break things up without resulting in tears.
If you have braces, do not have analingus at all.
According to the MAYO Clinic, drink 2.2 liters of water everyday. This doesn’t exactly relate to analingus but overall health helps your sex life and drinking a lot of water keeps your colon clean so drink more water.
And call your mother, she worries.
5. Enjoy Yourself
You are having an intimate moment with someone where their pleasure is under your control. You are serving them sexually; don’t treat it like a trip to the dentist. Now for the dominants in the bunch, don’t assume that running your tongue over someone’s butt is submissive. Your dominant energy is so powerful, for you are a powerful wolf spirit, and thus slobbering on someone’s rear window only elevates your dominant aura. You are a benevolent ass dictator.
Try mixing up strokes with a flat tongue or use just the tip to flick at the hole. Go prodding in the ham flower in a style of micropenetration. Drool and get their balloon knot slick. Have them get on their hands and knees for better access and incorporate touch. Make them feel safe. Rimming should be an event that is described with one word — nice.
“We rimmed each other and it was nice and then we watched Buffy,” is your goal description. ALWAYS BUFFY. NEVER ANOTHER SHOW.
If you incorporate this into your life, you will be amazed. Your elbows won’t be as wrinkly, you’ll be able to run faster, and you will suddenly look really good in that shapeless shift that magazines insist are flattering. Ass eating hits all sorts of taboo nerves that normally go ignored. Embrace your inner deviant and explore everything that you can do by touching that special button.