Tarot Cards Against Humanity Reading

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Welcome, querent. Are you feeling fraught in life? Need some reassurance to where things are headed? Let me read your cards and set your mind at ease. Take a seat, let’s begin the Celtic Cross spread.

The Celtic Cross spread is a great spread to get a general beat on where things are. Let’s begin!

photo from Biddy Tarot

1. The Present

This card represents you and your frame of mind in the present time. This could also be events unfolding in the present.

Homeless People:
Your present leads me to believe that you are perturbed by homeless people. Clearly, you are a terrible person who is unfeeling and is begrudging the poverty of others. Nice going, champ. I read that you are struggling with empathy and taking on that other people might have shit going on. It sounds like you have a tendency towards kicking people why they are down to feel more in control and powerful.

2. The Challenge

This is the challenge presented to you and if you overcome this one thing, your life will be much, much easier.

Coughing into a vagina:
This leads me to believe that you are not treating your gifts well. Or it’s allergy season. Either way it sounds like you were given an opportunity and fucked it all up and this feeds into the present because you are blaming everyone but yourself. “The room was dry” and “I wasn’t ready” doesn’t excuse you of your actions. You coughed into a vagina and now you must lie in it. Your challenge is to face your reality and stop displacing in the present by blaming others. It sounds like this might be a repeat problem. Oh, you’re feeling judged? Yeah, consult a therapist if you want someone impartial, vagina cougher.

3. The Past

This card represents things that came before that led you into this situation and brought this challenge on.

A gentle caress of the inner thigh:
Sets the scene for how you ended up in the presence of the vagina you scorned. It sounds like this event unfolded rather softly, perhaps before you realized what was being presented to your. The past holds lessons, and while this experience has been brutal, it looks to me you have to contextualize this pain. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Probably. It happened. It’s real. It began suddenly, full of hope and promise. You can reflect on it fondly.

4. The Future

This card is what is likely to happen over the next few weeks or months.

Self loathing:
Sounds about right. You know what they say about tarot, it doesn’t tell you anything you don’t already know. You are throwing a bit of a pity party here. So you coughed into a vagina. Okay. Brush yourself off, pick yourself up by your vagina bootstraps, and get it together. The thing about self loathing is that we elevate it above everything else in our lives — the people we love, creating and manifesting good things, and naps. Always prioritize the people you love and naps, querent.

5. Above

This card reflects your goals and aspirations and your conscious attempts to solve the problem at hand.

A balanced breakfast:
Couldn’t hurt, I guess. Kinda a weird approach. Seems a bit self focused. Again, you’re making this problem all about yourself instead of the person you wronged. Think of the person in possession of the vagina in question. Maybe they want some breakfast? Have you considered that? I’m all for being prepared, and balance is a good thing to achieve. Up your greens to get a clean colon. But where are others in this plan? It sounds like you’re a pentacle which is good because you are about a stable approach but skew self centered. Tsk tsk.

6. Below

Your subconscious drive and hidden forces within you that are at work.

The American Dream:
I see how we got here. It appears that your entire method is built around you. You’re seeking balanced breakfasts and engaging in self loathing because you’re convinced this happened to you in a vacuum. But look in the past, querent, with that gentle caress. There was a whole other person involved here and your default solution is about your ego and your stomach. While Manifest Destiny may sound like a good thing it’s important to remember that interaction is dependent on others and prioritizing their feelings could help you at least make amends for your vaginal transgressions. You see, the American Dream is a fallacy promised to people in order to keep class disparity on promising those who are disadvantaged that if they work hard enough they can escape their oppression which is often tied up in white supremacist patriarchy — take your fingers out of your ears. You know what? Fine. You’re the one who is buying into the bullshit and running around coughing into vaginas.

7. Advice

What the universe recommends you do.

A gassy antelope:
It sounds to me like a lesson is coming your way in the form of your earthbound animal guide. You are not in this alone. The universe has sent you an agent to aid you in conquering your challenge. I think it’s best to get to know your guide and to access the messages the gassy antelope has to tell you. Be in touch with your inner self. Meditate and meet your guide. What does the gassy antelope tell you to do? What does its flatulence bring to you?

8. External Influences

This card are things beyond your control such as the influence of people and events that are influencing the outcome.

Christopher Walken:
Wow! You know Christopher Walken? That’s awesome! Can you give him my number? Oh, your best friend can do a Christopher Walken impression. Cool. Please don’t give them my number. Obviously I knew that. I was just kidding. It looks like you can’t control them or their constant Christopher Walken impression. Sorry. That’s a constant. Could be worse. Congrats on having a friend?

9. Hopes and Fears

Self explanatory.

Farting and walking away:
I think we need to discuss what your actual desires are. Sure, a balanced breakfast will certainly help or hinder your ability to achieve this hope, but this action demonstrates a passive aggressive need to get the last word. Or smell, as it were. But these cards all tell me you have a need to control those around you and to have a grip on yourself. And now that you’re known around the vagina cooler as a cougher, you’re embarrassed and lashing out. Does this really serve your highest good? Is this the version of yourself you really wish to be?

10. Outcome

Where things are likely headed if they continue on as they have been and your approach doesn’t change.

The boners of the elderly:
Look, we all are heading the same way. A lot of us are moving in the direction of being incredibly horny older people and that’s okay. You must move past your shame and feelings on inadequacy in order to embrace how temporary this life is. You only get a few handfuls of years on this plane and doesn’t that kind of reduce this event? Stop staring at your navel and go and apologize to the person whose vagina you coughed into and then make them breakfast. Also give your gassy antelope some chin scritches. No one lives forever, querent.

This post was suggested and encouraged by my dear friend, and generous Patreon patronaut, Sarah Stanton. Sarah has ME/CFS, is bedbound, and our current administration is slashing the funding given to research about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The budget for CFS is 6 Million which as far as monetary budgets go lands them waaaaay behind hayfever, anthrax, and something we are doing in the arctic. It’s Sarah’s birthday month and she’s raising money for CFS research. If you have some cash, please throw it towards Sarah’s fundraiser. Follow her photo blog about chronic illness and check out her Share My Wonder page.

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