Greetings, Soon-to-Be Graduates!
Congratulations on your future commencement. It has been my honor to serve as your university president and watch you become the fully-formed adults you are today, ready to launch into your destiny. As you cross the threshold into the post-collegiate world, it’s important to consider what you contribute to the workforce. Your alma mater has primed you for this day. You’re now spun fiber ready to be woven into a gorgeous doormat. Nurture as we have nurtured you, and be humble. Your generation’s reputation works against you, but we at Metrios University know that you’ll do us proud!
Since so many employers are convinced that your generation owes them, we recommend the Attachment style of employment as a means to fulfill the corporations that are generous enough to give you a chance. Your future employers have never been more stressed, and if you’ve committed to payment, you’ll give them your all. According to a recent study, corporations are feeling the strain of their employees’ needs. They fret over healthcare and get flustered by paid leave. We polled the top CEOs in America and found all of them find employees negotiating for pay raises were considered to be “unchill” and “entitled.” Their suggestions for rising above the flat resumes on their desk was to be “chill” and “unentitled.” Elon Musk himself said, “I want an employee who is interesting, but to have had most of their adventures live in the past. I need them to work, not screw around with trivial things like sleep, children, or bathroom breaks.”
This same study showed a lot about the current job market and the great movers and shakers we as a society respect (plus one woman CEO who is tolerable) and while employers like the idea of creativity, they really need to be able to depend on you.
Here’s a list of tips to best serve your future employers:
– Be Available
Employers need you. They need you. But not enough that they can’t fire you for grievous professional sins like “ruining the mood” and “not taking a joke” and “reporting sexual harassment.” Always answer their calls, even in the middle of the night, be ready to take notes in meetings, work late, arrive early, get them coffee, prep their meals for the week, and cut out unnecessary time sucks like eating. In fact, there is a great product called Soylent. Completely replaces meals and can help you with adjusting that bathroom schedule of yours. As you know, Soylent sponsored the new Computer Science building, and their product is the future of meals! Exciting! It can cut out so much time that you’re wasting on you. In the next year, we’ll be innovating our own cafeteria so that it serves an all-alternative-food menu. We’ll be keeping you up to date on it, and will be initiating it in time for the Alumni Weekend, so be sure to reserve your hotel room now!
– Give Your All
Bosses are feeling more and more disconnected from their hirelings, and studies show that this makes them more anxious and less rich. Be the industrious worker that I know you’ve got inside of you. Not the kind that that looks stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, but the kind that skips pooping because it takes up too much of the workday. You must consider the actions of the great entrepreneurs alive today. Do you think Mark Zuckerberg poops? No, he doesn’t. No one could get that much done without ceasing to poop. For those of you intimidated by the task of pleasing your future boss, we have interviewing workshops twice a week that can give you practice sessions and places to work on your presentation. Happiness makes employers feel wanted, needed, and valued, so toil with glee, graduates.
– Dress appropriately
According to author and alumna Margaret MacSnarl’s new book Sartorial Hacking, make sure you’re as comfortable/uncomfortable as your boss. If your boss wears sweatpants, wear a suit made of sweatpants. If your boss wears a suit, wear a not-as-nice suit. Remember, dress for the job you want, and the job you want is sycophant, dress just like your employer. Be as inconvenienced as your superiors, so that you can better empathize with their needs and wants. If that seems to freak out your employer, dress like a person they really like, and then talk like them. Do they have a significantly younger wife? Because she seems like a good model.
– Be Giving
This past spring, I was fortunate enough to tour the country, meeting with alums across the nation, and I had the honor of joining alum and billionaire mogul Theodore Askew for dinner. After we’d finished our meal, I asked him what his one piece of advice would be for people early in their careers. He looked me in the eye and said, “I had an employee ask me for a raise this week. It really didn’t sit right with me. Raises are gifts, and I don’t like the idea of my team members being ungrateful for all I’ve given them. I evaluated his performance and I decided that while his work had always been excellent, and he’d worked for me for years, his humility needed to be accessed, so I gave him a 13% pay cut. So to answer your question, be a giver is what I would recommend.” That conversation gave me so much to think about when it came to students like you, and I have to second Theodore’s call for humility in the workforce.
You’ll be able to achieve incredible calm and inner abundance when you put your selfish notions aside and can go home at night (late at night) and know that you gave yourself fully. Make exploiting you the most fun and fulfilling experience for the esteemed and wise bosses who create opportunity for you. Forsake friends, romance, and independence, because you get what you give. And if you give all of yourself to the people who sign your paychecks, they may decide, one day, to give you more money. But don’t ask for it because that looks so needy.
Again, congratulations on your impending graduation. As you embark on your professional journey, remember that we’re all behind you, cheering for you as you enter into a job market less robust than we’d led you to believe. We know that you’re going to support people who do great things. Go serve ‘em, tiger.
Algernon Q. Habberdash
President of Metrios University
“Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.” – Steve Jobs